1. I will no longer be the new kid. and 2. I'm needed a little sooner than expected to be trained up to everything my job title includes. Which in turn means more $$$ in the nearer future.
Oh yeah, my new place. I've been here for 2 weeks now, and in a few days I'll have a little companion. a ragdoll kitten who I think I'll name Lola.
Living alone is definitely an adjustment. I've never done it before and I know my close friends are worried about me being by myself, but thankfully it is a pretty awesome place and it is great for entertaining, so I've been having people over, which is a ton of fun. I'm really enjoying the luxuries of this new place...
Washer/Dryer in home!
Dishwasher!
Fireplace!
Extra Bedroom!
HUGE Bathroom!
Lots of storage space!
It is a sanctuary, it's just mine. I can be totally comfortable in it and proud of it.
I'm so thankful for it.
It is huge for one person though, and it feels pretty empty sometimes even though I have a decent amount of furniture. I almost always have music on when I'm home because the silence is a little deafening. But I'm learning to find the beauty in it, and I think my new little furry friend will help to take the edge off of coming home alone.
Alone. I don't like that word. I know I'm not ever really alone, because of God and all...but being alone, sleeping alone, waking up alone, cooking and eating alone, cleaning alone, homework, relaxing, watching movies........all of that and more are included in "living"...alone.
I'm not a loner, I've always been a social person, I like to have some quiet time each day, I enjoy being still and having time alone with God, and reading the scripture in peace. But MOST of the time, I enjoy other people's company. I like to joke around and have good conversation and just be around other people.
I miss the company of my husband. I wish I didn't, I wish we hadn't had so many great times. It's so hard to be thankful for the life we made together and just move on from it. It would be easier in some ways if he'd been a terrible husband, if he'd been boring or mean, or cold to me throughout our marriage...but he wasn't.
He was great, I was totally head over heels for him, and he gave me plenty of reason to be, and while it was tough, and money was tight, and we argued about dumb things sometimes, it was still so. good.
I have a really hard time sleeping without him,. I wake up in the night often, every time expecting him to be there. It hurts to realize over and over that he'll never be there again. I miss his warmth, I totally suck at regulating my temperature at night and many times that is all it takes to wake me up in the middle of the night, being freezing cold. I do what I can to bundle up in sweats, socks, extra blankets and using a space heater, but it just doesn't compare to the heat he gave off. The heat I was so welcome to, we cuddled so much. I miss that more than I can say.
Today at work a man came to my counter for a simple transaction, I'd never helped him before and I couldn't tell you his name now, but I remember his smell. He smelled so exactly like XH without any cologne or deodorant...just like XH. and I swear I just froze, my stomach turned over and I went white as a sheet. Something about his smell just hit me stronger than any other reminder of him to this point. It's been almost 3 months since I smelled that smell, and it just...hurt.
I want to move on so badly, almost as much as I wish this was all a dream. Either way, I just want this pain to go away, I want to stop thinking about it, being asked about him, seeing his stupid last name at the end of mine on everything, and to just erase him from my life. I want to take it all back so there's nothing to miss. I want to be okay. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me because I'm sad. I want to be able to focus on my school and my job and be excited about my career. To have space in my head for dreaming again. I want to be done with all the legal stuff and for his poor handling of money not to be my problem anymore. I want to stop caring about him and focus on the amazing people in my life who love me so much, to be able to pray for them and lift them up without them feeling like I'm the one who needs more attention, prayer, support..or whatever they need. The mess I'm in is so distracting.
I will try to update this thing more often, it's good to get these thoughts out without dumping on a friend. I'm a pretty open person, but I sure don't want to be a burden/annoyance/bummer. It just gets hard to look at the bright side after a while, hard to see the blessings in the midst of all the pain and confusion. Posting something I'm thankful for on Facebook every day is a good nudge to really make myself appreciate the people and things in my life that I'm so blessed with. I've been in the word consistently, which is so good for my heart. Some days I'm not sure what to read or what to pray so I'm just still before the Lord. Comforted that he knows what's on my heart, and I don't have to have the words. Comforted that it's okay to cry and let myself feel what I'm going through in order to really get through it.
I've been comforted most by these scriptures.
“We who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”
-Hebrews 6:18-19
"She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future."
-Proverbs 31:25
"18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19 For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.
22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
-Romans 8:18-39
"6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.........8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
-Deuteronomy 31:6 & 8
I meditate on these truths most often and am so comforted.
I didn't start out writing on here with any intention of another person ever reading it, but if sharing my hurt and what's been encouraging to me through it could help or show God's grace to someone else, then I think that's great :) I know both of these posts are super duper long, ramble-y and personal, and I don't really expect people to read them all or say anything.
Also, it takes forever to tell people individually what happened, and it gets pretty tiresome and depressing to me going over and over it, so maybe this platform is more efficient if my friends I don't see as much want to know what's up with my life and on my heart as of late.
I don't know... I'm okay with sharing these things because it's real. it's honest and it's what this frail life is like...messy, difficult, long and tiresome, but beautiful, and God's grace and love are so powerful through it all.
-Hannah
Hannah,
ReplyDeleteI know that we've never been that close, but I want you to know that I am praying for you. Although I know that there is no way I could ever understand the depth of the hurt you are feeling, your circumstances break my heart in empathy. We were married at so close to the same time and I wish that you would always be six months ahead of me in marriage. However, I am confident that nothing happens outside of God's plan and that He will be there to comfort and guide you. God has better plans for you; I just sometimes wish that God would bring about change in a less painful way. But who am I to question the unsearchable and unfathomable wisdom of God?
I am so glad to see that you have been seeking God and finding His comfort. I don't know if I would be strong enough to do the same in your circumstance. You are constantly in my prayers and those of so many others, I know. Praise God that He answers those prayers in such an obvious way in your life, shown in the fact that you are seeking Him.
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.
Love in Christ,
Laura
P.S. Brandon wanted me to mention that he is praying for you as well.
(These verses have meant a lot to me at various times, and I hope that they will be helpful to you.)
Psalm 62: 5-8
My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.
6 He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken.
7 On God my salvation and my glory rest;
The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.
8 Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah.
Hebrews 4:14-16
14 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. 15 For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. 16 Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Romans 10:11
11 For the Scripture says, “Whoever believes in Him will not be disappointed.”
Romans 11:33-34
33 Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways! 34 For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who became His counselor?
Revelation 21:3-5
3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, 4 and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.” 5 And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.”