anniversary.

       Welp, it's December 19th, this is significant because today would've been my 2 year anniversary with XH. it's kind of surreal to think of what my life would be like right now if we were still together.
  
       Tonight I'm not going to dwell on anything sad, or compare my life now to what I had/what I thought my future would be. I could, and I've done so throughout the day and while those thoughts have their place, I'm choosing to celebrate today. I am celebrating how far I've come, how much darkness is now behind me, and how absolutely nothing that I've conquered thus far has been in my own strength. 

         I was talking to my mom last night about "how I'm doing"...I've been asked that so many times in the last 4 months and I can honestly say right now, that I really am okay. I'm kind of just done being angry, hurt, sad, broken, bitter, crushed, betrayed...all the awful things I've felt during this crazy time. Boy, have I felt them, and I'm glad I let myself feel it instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was fine when it wasn't...and now I refuse to be defined by this divorce and all the things encompassed in it that are out of my control.  I've learned a ton about myself and decided that I quite like myself :) which sounds incredibly vain...let me explain.

       I've always been one to put myself down, to tell myself I'm not good enough, to need validation. With Seth I found so much of my identity and purpose in being his wife and supporting him, and while that isn't necessarily a bad thing and I still think marriage is amazing and two are better than one and it's something we've been made for, the farther outside of that marriage bubble I get, the more I realize how much I put myself on the back burner, and made Seth the center of my life, it was all about him and supporting his dreams. 

          No more. I have my own life, my own goals for my education and my career, my own thoughts and opinions. I am here in Lawrence because I want to be, not just because I married someone at KU.

         I finished this semester with all A's. I have a solid GPA and I'm no longer insecure about going to a community college while living among all these KU students. I very well could go to KU and do great and it would be more convenient in some ways, but it's so freakin' expensive it's not worth the money to me for this part of my education. Plus Johnson County is a really good school! XH made me feel like my education wasn't as important as his and my school wasn't as good, which then made me feel stupid in comparison. I don't feel that way any more. I know I'll have no problem transferring to Washburn U. I no longer feel like a fish out of water in this town, and I'm making my own memories here.

        So, I've accepted my reality and am choosing every day to make the most of it. I'm going to look at some of the positives:
1. XH and I don't have any children in the middle of all of this.
2. When all the paperwork is done he will be out of the picture and it will all finally be over.
3. I'm only 21! I still have so much LIFE ahead of me!  
4. I AM capable, independent, responsible, and intelligent, I don't NEED him or anyone else to take care of me.
5. And the absolute BEST thing on this little list and in my life is that I am grounded in Christ, I have such hope in Him no matter what this crazy little life throws my way, throughout every storm, He's my anchor, my rock, a very present help in time of need, my refuge, my comfort, my ever faithful father.

        That is why, tonight I got another tattoo!!!
To symbolize that hope.  You can probably tell from the title of this blog and the verse at the top of the page that is my anthem, that the anchor symbolizes a lot for me and I think getting it today was very fitting.

 :D I love it. I have peace and I'm praising Him for His goodness and grace. I'm so undeserving of His love and I'm so grateful for the freedom and hope I have in Him! Nothing compares to the gravity of His grace.

         I want to say an enormous thank you to each and every one of you reading this, who've prayed for me, encouraged me, listened to me ramble about how much it hurt and shared in my frustration and confusion along the way to help me get through it and move forward.

       This song has been the cry of my heart lately, I hadn't heard it in years and the other day it just popped in my head. (I kinda like this version too) Praise Him with me! He is so worthy! 

In Him, 
Hannah

gearing Up (it's december?!)

       Today, I want to share a little look into my last week or so (disclaimer: it was not so nice, but it's gotten better!) and a bit of what's to come.

      I've not been feeling well at all.  Since I got back from my trip home for Thanksgiving, I've had a nasty cold and have spent most of my time at home in the evenings and over the weekend knocked out in a nyquil induced coma. Super lame timing, because I've got classes to keep up with leading up to finals and I missed a couple of quizzes :(

       I'm a good student, normally the type that over studies for everything, and doesn't skip class unless absolutely necessary. Even though at this point in the semester it didn't hurt my overall grades, I was pretty disappointed with myself for slacking.

          Thankfully, I'm starting to feel a lot better and have really jumped back in with both feet this week! I'm also the kind of student who always makes connections with my teachers, which has proved to be SO helpful! I've got notes for everything I missed and have very graciously been allowed to make up my missed assignments with no penalty, which I totally don't deserve, and I couldn't be more thankful!

        During my bout of sickness I fell into a nasty little habit of feeling sorry for myself. While my body needed the rest and hours of lying in bed in the dark, my heart really did not.  Depression and sickness do not mix, it was super hard to get up in the morning and when I got home from work, I was literally ready to crawl back into bed.  I know that's awful and I felt like I was living under a dark cloud.

         I also found that it's incredibly easy to be angry right now because; two weeks from now is what would have been our 2 year anniversary, and further realization of what I don't have anymore-i.e. a husband who takes care of me when I'm sick(this was made abundantly clear to me when I had food poisoning a couple of weeks ago and missed work).

          As I've mentioned before, I'm really not a homebody, and can only take so much of this invalid business, even when I feel awful.  So, I've kicked my butt into gear and have been making myself do yoga and pilates at home even though I haven't felt like it, listening to music that's uplifting/instrumental instead of most of the songs I've posted on here that cause me to dwell that much more on XH, the divorce, etc.  Exercise, prayer/scripture, my playful little kitten and lots of vitamin c have all helped to lift my spirits and I'm doing much better now :)

       I'm happy to report that I'm no longer the newest member of the Lawrence team at Meritrust. Today, I started helping with the training of two new hires! 
On one hand, I can't believe I'm allowed to teach anyone how to do anything when I've only been there 6 months. But on the other, I do know quite a lot for the short amount of time I've been there and I'm kind of like "Finally! I have some validation that I'm a useful, valued member of this team!".  Things are gearing up for the big relocation of the downtown branch, Ashley is going to have her baby any day now, and everyone is buzzing around working on processing all the holiday "skip a payment" applications. I'm acting as the sort of 'on call' person, hopping to both branches as needed. I like it, it breaks up the monotony that a "nine to five" type job can sometimes be.

           All in all, I'm doing well. I'm excited to get this semester behind me and I'll welcome each change and new development that comes my way.

^"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end,

they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness."

Lamentations 3:22-23

-Hannah

P.S. I'm feeling pretty empowered because when my shower head broke the other day I got a new one and installed it all by myself with my new tools :D