tunes.

             Hello again. Two days in a row on here seems like a lot. Truth is, I journal quite a bit, I just prefer writing on paper.  However, I type all day at my new job and I'm starting to convert to the keyboard because it's faster.

                 I listen to a lot of music. I have about an hour total in the car each day just going to and from work so that is ample time to jam(or listen to an audio book, which right now by the way is Anna Karenina) plus I usually keep listening to whatever I had on in the car when I get home in the evenings.

              Continuing what I did in my first post, I'm going to share some song lyrics that have really hit home with me lately.  I think Taylor Swift might have known about my divorce before I did, because the timing of her latest album could not have been more fitting.


 "A Little Bit Stronger" -Sara Evans

"Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, 

I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm tryin' to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, and then I changed it.
I'm gettin' a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

(It's ridiculous how true to my life this is.  There is SO much music that reminds me of Seth.) 

I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.

I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a month's gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby."

"The Garden" by Mirah 

"You don't want me anymore, how can it be?

look what you've done to me."

"Titanium" -David Guetta

"Shoot me down, but I won't fall, I am titanium. 

Cut me down, but it's you who'll have further to fall.

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose.

fire away, fire away."

 "Pressing On" -Relient K

Pressing on pressing on, 
all my distress is going going gone.

 There's only one thing left do, 
drop all I have and go with you.

To go back to where I was would just be wrong, 

I'm pressing on.

"I Almost Do" -Taylor Swift

"I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
and I bet sometimes you wonder about me

I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you.
and I hope you know that every time I don't, I almost do.

It's probably better off this way

And I confess, babe

In my dreams you're touching my face

and asking me if I wanna try again with you

                           and I almost do."
 

 "Red" -Taylor Swift

"Ended so suddenly.
Loving him is like trying to change your mind 

once you're already flying through the free fall
Like the colors in autumn,  
so bright just before they lose it all
Losing him is blue like I'd never known,
Missing him is dark grey all alone.
Forgetting him is like trying to 
know somebody you never met
But loving him was red

Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you.
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the 
words to your old favorite song.
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer.
Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong.

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes,
tell myself it's time now, gotta let go.
But moving on from him is impossible
when I still see it all in my head,
burning red."

"All Too Well" -Taylor Swift 

"Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze
we're singing in the car getting lost upstate.
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place
and I can picture it after all these days.

I know it's long gone
and that magic's not here no more
and I might be okay
but I'm not fine at all

'Cause there we are again on 
that little town street
You almost ran the red 'cause 
you were looking over me
wind in my hair, I was there, 
I remember it all too well.
You tell me about your past, 
thinking your future was me

And I know it's long gone
And there's nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to

There we are again, in the middle of the night  

dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, 
I remember it all too well

Maybe we got lost in translation, 
maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 
'til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there, 
I remember it all too well

You call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all all all too well

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again, 
but I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights 
when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things 
 and I walk home alone

'Cause there we are again, 
when I loved you so
Back before you lost the 
one real thing you've ever known
It was rare, I was there, 
I remember it all too well

Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well."

And now for an oldie.  This song used to come on the radio station my family listened to as far back as I can remember.  Now it's on my iPod :)

"Beauty for Ashes" -Crystal Lewis

"He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When sorrow seems to surround you
When suffering hangs heavy on your head
Know that tomorrow brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said

When what you've done 
keeps you from moving on
When fear wants to make
 itself at home in your heart
Know that forgiveness brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said

I once was lost but God has found me
Though I was bound I've been set free
I've been made righteous in His sight
A display of His splendor all can see

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear 

Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair"

I'll leave it on this note tonight:

^"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." -2 Corinthians 12:9

 **BONUS! a picture of my aforementioned kitten and christmas tree :)

 

holidays.

       The holiday season is completely different this year, so not what I had planned and the shock of being alone is so raw.

       You know, when you think you've settled down for good you don't expect to do the holidays on your own again.  Thanksgiving has come and gone and while I did have a good time catching up with family and friends, it was still so quiet.  No big family dinner with the in-laws I so dearly miss and no one there for the drive there and back.  I especially do not like the drive from Lawrence to Wichita; I don't really enjoy driving anyway and got entirely too comfortable with XH taking the wheel on long drives and taking care of everything the car needs like filling up on gas, cleaning the windshield, oil changes, topping off the fluids and checking the tires when we traveled, anything and everything--he was all over it.  It sucks.
      Also, the last 3 years I have worked at Starbucks.  The hoiday season (as stressful as it was) was so much fun, and I'm missing it this year.  I do really enjoy my new job, and soon I will have been here for 6 months, new people will start and I won't be the new kid anymore.  I'm learning a lot and there are exciting changes right around the corner, but I can't help but miss all things familiar right now.

      I even find myself missing the crappy apartment we lived in.  The colder it gets the more I remember keeping warm with him in that teeny tiny terrible apartment that was so wonderful.  The frosty weather I encountered this morning also made my heart ache remembering how XH would warm up the car for me while I got ready for work in the morning and would scrape all the ice off the windshield.  Also, I'm sick--so pardon me for being a Negative Nancy today.

      I don't know if XH was able to go home for thanksgiving or not, I really had to stop myself from calling him and offering to let him ride with me to Wichita.  Not that he would agree to that or that it would go smoothly, but it just breaks my heart that he is doing this to himself.  I know he asked for it and everything that comes with his decision are his own consequences, but I'm not comforted in any way by his suffering.  I still care so much for him.

     This year I bought a little christmas tree, XH and I never had one.  We were married right before Christmas in 2010 and when we arrived in our new apartment on Christmas Eve, we had wedding gifts to unwrap and everything still needed to be unpacked, so there just wasn't any room for one.  But I didn't care, those times were so tremendously happy.  Last year, we really couldn't afford one, XH didn't really care about having one, and the place was so small it really would have been too cumbersome.  This would have been the year we'd have one together. 

     There are far too many "would have beens" filling up my mind these days.  We had so many plans.  I repeat Jeremiah 29:11 to myself over and over and over again to keep the tears at bay.  It says For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. That right there is the only thing keeping me from curling up in bed all day feeling sorry for myself.  My God is so much bigger than all the things weighing on my heart, all the worries I have for the future, and all the pain that just keeps ripping into me.

     I know that I have so many things to be thankful for in my life, if I focus on these things it helps to balance out the darkness.  Phillipians 4:8 says "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

     In the midst of this dark time in my life I have to think about the blessings and truth in my life.  I am blessed with good health, reliable transportation, a stable job, education, a wonderful home that shelters me from the bitter cold, awesome people in my life who bless me all the time by being so supportive and positive.  The truth that by God's grace I don't have to worry about anything, he covers it all and provides for me continually.  The truth that He wants to carry each burden for me, all I have to do is give them up to Him.  I can't deny that I'm sad, but I'm okay and above all, I'm blessed to be a daughter of the Savior.

:)

time.

           The end of this crazy fall semester is in exactly 4 weeks. Thanksgiving is in one week with Christmas not far behind. Once I finish finals it will be time to close down one of the branches I work at and relocate it to the old bank across the street from my new place. (Can you say "walk to work" ? and "extra half hour of sleep" ? and 'WAY less gas" ?) yeah, that will be awesome. Plus, I have ample opportunity for overtime during Christmas Break, and with new people being hired on to support the new full service location: 
1. I will no longer be the new kid. and 2. I'm needed a little sooner than expected to be trained up to everything my job title includes. Which in turn means more $$$ in the nearer future.

           Oh yeah, my new place. I've been here for 2 weeks now, and in a few days I'll have a little companion. a ragdoll kitten who I think I'll name Lola.

Pretty cute, huh? I'm excited.

                   Living alone is definitely an adjustment. I've never done it before and I know my close friends are worried about me being by myself, but thankfully it is a pretty awesome place and it is great for entertaining, so I've been having people over, which is a ton of fun.  I'm really enjoying the luxuries of this new place...

Washer/Dryer in home!
Dishwasher!
Fireplace!
Extra  Bedroom!
HUGE Bathroom!
Lots of storage space!

It is a sanctuary, it's just mine. I can be totally comfortable in it and proud of it.
I'm so thankful for it.

                It is huge for one person though, and it feels pretty empty sometimes even though I have a decent amount of furniture. I almost always have music on when I'm home because the silence is a little deafening. But I'm learning to find the beauty in it, and I think my new little furry friend will help to take the edge off of coming home alone.

                Alone. I don't like that word. I know I'm not ever really alone, because of God and all...but being alone, sleeping alone, waking up alone, cooking and eating alone, cleaning alone, homework, relaxing, watching movies........all of that and more are included in "living"...alone.

                I'm not a loner, I've always been a social person, I like to have some quiet time each day, I enjoy being still and having time alone with God, and reading the scripture in peace. But MOST of the time, I enjoy other people's company. I like to joke around and have good conversation and just be around other people. 

                I miss the company of my husband. I wish I didn't, I wish we hadn't had so many great times. It's so hard to be thankful for the life we made together and just move on from it.  It would be easier in some ways if he'd been a terrible husband, if he'd been boring or mean, or cold to me throughout our marriage...but he wasn't.
He was great, I was totally head over heels for him, and he gave me plenty of reason to be, and while it was tough, and money was tight, and we argued about dumb things sometimes, it was still so. good.

               I have a really hard time sleeping without him,. I wake up in the night often, every time expecting him to be there. It hurts to realize over and over that he'll never be there again. I miss his warmth, I totally suck at regulating my temperature at night and many times that is all it takes to wake me up in the middle of the night, being freezing cold.  I do what I can to bundle up in sweats, socks, extra blankets and using a space heater, but it just doesn't compare to the heat he gave off. The heat I was so welcome to, we cuddled so much. I miss that more than I can say.

              Today at work a man came to my counter for a simple transaction, I'd never helped him before and I couldn't tell you his name now, but I remember his smell. He smelled so exactly like XH without any cologne or deodorant...just like XH. and I swear I just froze, my stomach turned over and I went white as a sheet. Something about his smell just hit me stronger than any other reminder of him to this point. It's been almost 3 months since I smelled that smell, and it just...hurt.

              I want to move on so badly, almost as much as I wish this was all a dream. Either way, I just want this pain to go away, I want to stop thinking about it, being asked about him, seeing his stupid last name at the end of mine on everything, and to just erase him from my life. I want to take it all back so there's nothing to miss.  I want to be okay. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me because I'm sad. I want to be able to focus on my school and my job and be excited about my career.  To have space in my head for dreaming again.  I want to be done with all the legal stuff and for his poor handling of money not to be my problem anymore.  I want to stop caring about him and focus on the amazing people in my life who love me so much, to be able to pray for them and lift them up without them feeling like I'm the one who needs more attention, prayer, support..or whatever they need.  The mess I'm in is so distracting.

            I will try to update this thing more often, it's good to get these thoughts out without dumping on a friend.  I'm a pretty open person, but I sure don't want to be a burden/annoyance/bummer.  It just gets hard to look at the bright side after a while, hard to see the blessings in the midst of all the pain and confusion.  Posting something I'm thankful for on Facebook every day is a good nudge to really make myself appreciate the people and things in my life that I'm so blessed with.  I've been in the word consistently, which is so good for my heart.  Some days I'm not sure what to read or what to pray so I'm just still before the Lord.  Comforted that he knows what's on my heart, and I don't have to have the words. Comforted that it's okay to cry and let myself feel what I'm going through in order to really get through it.

          I've been comforted most by these scriptures.

“We who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” 
-Hebrews 6:18-19

"She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future."
 -Proverbs 31:25

^"18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. ¹⁹ For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. ²⁰ For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope ²¹ that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.
²² We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. ²³ Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. ²⁴ For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? ²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ²⁷ And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ³⁰ And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." 
-Romans 8:18-39


^"6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you^.........8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
-Deuteronomy 31:6 & 8

I meditate on these truths most often and am so comforted.

I didn't start out writing on here with any intention of another person ever reading it, but if sharing my hurt and what's been encouraging to me through it could help or show God's grace to someone else, then I think that's great :)  I know both of these posts are super duper long, ramble-y and personal, and I don't really expect people to read them all or say anything.  

Also, it takes forever to tell people individually what happened, and it gets pretty tiresome and depressing to me going over and over it, so maybe this platform is more efficient if my friends I don't see as much want to know what's up with my life and on my heart as of late. 

I don't know... I'm okay with sharing these things because it's real. it's honest and it's what this frail life is like...messy, difficult, long and tiresome, but beautiful, and God's grace and love are so powerful through it all.

-Hannah