holidays.

       The holiday season is completely different this year, so not what I had planned and the shock of being alone is so raw.

       You know, when you think you've settled down for good you don't expect to do the holidays on your own again.  Thanksgiving has come and gone and while I did have a good time catching up with family and friends, it was still so quiet.  No big family dinner with the in-laws I so dearly miss and no one there for the drive there and back.  I especially do not like the drive from Lawrence to Wichita; I don't really enjoy driving anyway and got entirely too comfortable with XH taking the wheel on long drives and taking care of everything the car needs like filling up on gas, cleaning the windshield, oil changes, topping off the fluids and checking the tires when we traveled, anything and everything--he was all over it.  It sucks.
      Also, the last 3 years I have worked at Starbucks.  The hoiday season (as stressful as it was) was so much fun, and I'm missing it this year.  I do really enjoy my new job, and soon I will have been here for 6 months, new people will start and I won't be the new kid anymore.  I'm learning a lot and there are exciting changes right around the corner, but I can't help but miss all things familiar right now.

      I even find myself missing the crappy apartment we lived in.  The colder it gets the more I remember keeping warm with him in that teeny tiny terrible apartment that was so wonderful.  The frosty weather I encountered this morning also made my heart ache remembering how XH would warm up the car for me while I got ready for work in the morning and would scrape all the ice off the windshield.  Also, I'm sick--so pardon me for being a Negative Nancy today.

      I don't know if XH was able to go home for thanksgiving or not, I really had to stop myself from calling him and offering to let him ride with me to Wichita.  Not that he would agree to that or that it would go smoothly, but it just breaks my heart that he is doing this to himself.  I know he asked for it and everything that comes with his decision are his own consequences, but I'm not comforted in any way by his suffering.  I still care so much for him.

     This year I bought a little christmas tree, XH and I never had one.  We were married right before Christmas in 2010 and when we arrived in our new apartment on Christmas Eve, we had wedding gifts to unwrap and everything still needed to be unpacked, so there just wasn't any room for one.  But I didn't care, those times were so tremendously happy.  Last year, we really couldn't afford one, XH didn't really care about having one, and the place was so small it really would have been too cumbersome.  This would have been the year we'd have one together. 

     There are far too many "would have beens" filling up my mind these days.  We had so many plans.  I repeat Jeremiah 29:11 to myself over and over and over again to keep the tears at bay.  It says For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. That right there is the only thing keeping me from curling up in bed all day feeling sorry for myself.  My God is so much bigger than all the things weighing on my heart, all the worries I have for the future, and all the pain that just keeps ripping into me.

     I know that I have so many things to be thankful for in my life, if I focus on these things it helps to balance out the darkness.  Phillipians 4:8 says "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

     In the midst of this dark time in my life I have to think about the blessings and truth in my life.  I am blessed with good health, reliable transportation, a stable job, education, a wonderful home that shelters me from the bitter cold, awesome people in my life who bless me all the time by being so supportive and positive.  The truth that by God's grace I don't have to worry about anything, he covers it all and provides for me continually.  The truth that He wants to carry each burden for me, all I have to do is give them up to Him.  I can't deny that I'm sad, but I'm okay and above all, I'm blessed to be a daughter of the Savior.

:)