s h a t t e r e d ?
I mean really shattered-like stomping on glass throwing itty bitty pieces all over the floor. Like, the whole world stops and flips upside down.
When your partner, lover, supporter, biggest fan, protector, encourager, and very best friend tells you they don't want you...it's like getting the wind knocked out of you.
Betrayal is sickening, being unwanted is one of the worst hurts. Being utterly shocked and broken at the same time is totally surreal and impossible to swallow.
I've had an impossible to swallow lump in my throat for the last month. exactly one month ago my husband pulled the carpet out from under my feet. stole away our plans for the future and stomped all over our past. I am still in shock.
Who IS this man? How could he(or ANYONE for that matter) use anyone in this way? How am I supposed to respond? How do I continue? How can all these horrible things be true? How could the love of my life hurt me so deeply? Could it all really have been a lie??
I don't have the answers, and I probably won't ever make sense of it all. But I'm holding my life together, continuing to work full time and be a full time student, pay my bills and try not to cry every time something reminds me of him. Which is all day and night long.
Like: when I almost text him because someone said something funny. When I wake up and expect him to be there next to me. When someone who doesn't know asks me about him and I have to face it again. When everywhere I turn in this little town holds a memory of us together. When I can hardly bear to think of our plans for the future or the way he used to kiss me. When I stop myself mid-sentence because I don't want to interject in conversation anything that includes him because I don't want to be a bummer for other people. Whenever I think about the way he always made me feel beautiful when I certainly did not look it. The way he'd always manage to make me laugh when I didn't feel like it. The way he teased me about my driving. Or when I think of our silly, lovely little language that was just ours. The little doodles and love notes he left for me all the time. The way he really loved me.
The tears are right under the surface these days. I don't know who I am or what my life looks like here on my own.
I never thought I'd be single again. I never had a back up plan. I don't want to change my name, I don't want to change my life. I still love him. I want to hate him for how he's hurt me, but I can't. I'm worried about him, I don't want him to self destruct. I want him to want me. I want this to all be a sick joke and one of these days Ashton Kutcher will pop out of my closet and tell me I'm being punk'd.
I don't want to talk about it anymore, I want it to be over, I want to stop feeling nauseous and beaten up. I want to be myself again.
I can't process it. but I can turn up my iPod and try to let other people voice what I can't.
First,
The Hurt:
"I wish my life could be the way
it was before I saw your face.
Still tryin' to erase you from my past,
I need you gone so fast.
You stole my happy, you made me cry
took the lonely and took me for a ride.
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
and now I wanna undo it." -Carrie Underwood
"Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby?
I gave you everything, every part of me.
Did you change your mind? well I didn't change mine."
-Kellie Pickler
"Let it all out. get it all out. rip it out. remove it.
Don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed.
We're so scared to find out what this life's all about, so scared we're gonna lose it.
You said "I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse. If the burden seems too much to bear, remember the end will justify the pain it took to get there. Somewhere in me, there is strength." -Relient k
"Something's made your eyes go cold, something's gone terribly wrong, won't finish what you started.
Come on, come on-don't leave me like this,
I thought I had you figured out.
Oh, holding my breath, won't see you again.
Something keeps me holding on to nothing.
Never ever thought I'd see it break.
Can't breathe whenever you're gone-can't turn back now.
I stood there and watched you walk away from everything we had.
NO
I just know you're not gone, you can't be gone.
I can't go back, I'm haunted." -Taylor Swift
"This is how it looks when I am standing on the edge,
and this is how I b r e a k a p a r t when I finally hit the ground.
This is who I am when I don't know myself anymore,
And this is how it hurts when I pretend I don't feel anything."
-Red
"You could drag out the heartache or baby, you could make it quick-really get it over with and let me move on.
[[seriously, divorce me already if that's what you want]]
Don't concern yourself with this mess you've left for me,
I can clean it up you see just as long as your gone.
It's alright, yeah I'll be fine. Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine, just take your love and hit the road. There's nothin' you could do or say. you broke my heart anyway so just leave the pieces when you go.' -The Wreckers
The Healing:
"Who you are is not where you've been, you're still an innocent. Time turns flames to embers, you'll have new Septembers." -Taylor Swift
"HE gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear,
gladness for mourning, peace for despair.
When sorrow seems to surround you,
when suffering hangs heavy on your head,
know that tomorrow brings wholeness and healing."- Crystal Lewis
"My God's been good to me, oh God's always been good."
-Crystal Lewis
"Here I stand empty hands, wishing my wrists were bleeding to stop the pain from the beatings.
There you stand holding me, waiting for me to notice you.
You are the truth, out-screaming these lies.
You are the truth, saving my life.
The warmth of your embrace melts my frostbitten spirit.
you speak the truth and I hear it.
The words are "I love you' and I have to believe in You.
My hands are open, and you are filling them.
I worship You." -Flyleaf
"The mountain is high, I wait in the depths,
yearning for grace and hoping for peace,
Dear God, increase!
Healing hands of God, have mercy on our unclean souls once again. Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever. Here's my heart, let it be forever yours. Only you can make every new day seem so new."
- Five Iron Frenzy
"Come Thou fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing Thy praise.
Streams of mercy never ceasing
call for songs of loudest praise.
Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it,
mount of Thy redeeming love." -David Crowder Band version
"All this pain, I wonder if I'll ever find my way.
All this earth, could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground?
All around, hope is springing up from this old ground.
Out of chaos, life is being found in you.
You make beautiful things out of the dust,
You make beautiful things out of us.
You make me new, You are making me new." -Gungor
"I need You like a hurricane-thunder,
crashing wind and rain to tear my walls down.
I'm only Yours now.
I need You like a burning flame,
a wildfire untamed,
to burn these walls down.
I'm only Yours now.
I am Yours and you are mine.
You know far better than I,
and if destruction's what I need,
then I'll receive it Lord, from Thee.
It's Your eye in the storm watching over me,
wanting only good for me.
I am only Yours." -Jimmy Needham
"HE is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane,
I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.
I'm drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes.
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
Oh! How HE loves us!" -David Crowder Band
I am broken, hurt and stunned; but still blessed, loved and supported. That's all for now
-Hannah
