Tonight I'm not going to dwell on anything sad, or compare my life now to what I had/what I thought my future would be. I could, and I've done so throughout the day and while those thoughts have their place, I'm choosing to celebrate today. I am celebrating how far I've come, how much darkness is now behind me, and how absolutely nothing that I've conquered thus far has been in my own strength.
I was talking to my mom last night about "how I'm doing"...I've been asked that so many times in the last 4 months and I can honestly say right now, that I really am okay. I'm kind of just done being angry, hurt, sad, broken, bitter, crushed, betrayed...all the awful things I've felt during this crazy time. Boy, have I felt them, and I'm glad I let myself feel it instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was fine when it wasn't...and now I refuse to be defined by this divorce and all the things encompassed in it that are out of my control. I've learned a ton about myself and decided that I quite like myself :) which sounds incredibly vain...let me explain.
I've always been one to put myself down, to tell myself I'm not good enough, to need validation. With Seth I found so much of my identity and purpose in being his wife and supporting him, and while that isn't necessarily a bad thing and I still think marriage is amazing and two are better than one and it's something we've been made for, the farther outside of that marriage bubble I get, the more I realize how much I put myself on the back burner, and made Seth the center of my life, it was all about him and supporting his dreams.
No more. I have my own life, my own goals for my education and my career, my own thoughts and opinions. I am here in Lawrence because I want to be, not just because I married someone at KU.
I finished this semester with all A's. I have a solid GPA and I'm no longer insecure about going to a community college while living among all these KU students. I very well could go to KU and do great and it would be more convenient in some ways, but it's so freakin' expensive it's not worth the money to me for this part of my education. Plus Johnson County is a really good school! XH made me feel like my education wasn't as important as his and my school wasn't as good, which then made me feel stupid in comparison. I don't feel that way any more. I know I'll have no problem transferring to Washburn U. I no longer feel like a fish out of water in this town, and I'm making my own memories here.
So, I've accepted my reality and am choosing every day to make the most of it. I'm going to look at some of the positives:
1. XH and I don't have any children in the middle of all of this.
2. When all the paperwork is done he will be out of the picture and it will all finally be over.
3. I'm only 21! I still have so much LIFE ahead of me!
4. I AM capable, independent, responsible, and intelligent, I don't NEED him or anyone else to take care of me.
5. And the absolute BEST thing on this little list and in my life is that I am grounded in Christ, I have such hope in Him no matter what this crazy little life throws my way, throughout every storm, He's my anchor, my rock, a very present help in time of need, my refuge, my comfort, my ever faithful father.
That is why, tonight I got another tattoo!!!
To symbolize that hope. You can probably tell from the title of this blog and the verse at the top of the page that is my anthem, that the anchor symbolizes a lot for me and I think getting it today was very fitting.
I want to say an enormous thank you to each and every one of you reading this, who've prayed for me, encouraged me, listened to me ramble about how much it hurt and shared in my frustration and confusion along the way to help me get through it and move forward.
This song has been the cry of my heart lately, I hadn't heard it in years and the other day it just popped in my head. (I kinda like this version too) Praise Him with me! He is so worthy!
In Him,
Hannah
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