Eyes On The Prize.

       Well hey there blog, it's been about a month since I last posted anything here, and I just typed up an update on what's going on in my life, the blessings and the stresses and I accidentally deleted it. So, I'll just make it a quickie to decompress a little bit before I dive into some chemistry for the rest of the night...

      Here are some highlights since I last posted: Christmas and New Years Eve happened, which were good times with family and friends.  I've been through more training for work and am headed back for some more next week. I won an iPad through my school! and classes have begun again. I've been offered an extension on my lease at my awesome apartment, and I've gotten over that sinus sickness that just didn't want to go away!

      I'm halfway through the second week of the spring semester, and honestly, I'm pretty overwhelmed at the sheer amount of information I'm expected to retain in the next 16 weeks. Both in school and at work, which are two very separate, scary, awesome, daunting and fantastic opportunities in my life that I'm trying to juggle efficiently. heh.

      Being a full time student on top of working 40 hours at the Credit Union is no joke.  There is just not enough time in the day! and night classes after work are not the easiest format for me, but I do really like my teachers and I was thankfully able to work my school schedule so I only have to make the drive to campus once a week.  The crazy part is how much I have to do myself online-yipes :/

     But as I said, it is only 16 weeks of my life! I'll have a lot behind me by the time summer arrives; not only will I be about 3/4 of the way through my time at JUCO, the divorce will have been finalized, I'll be back to my maiden name and that chapter of my life will finally close.

     I wish I could say I'm over him...but the fact is, I'm not totally sure what that means.  As I said in my last post, I'm not angry anymore, and I'm not so sad I can't get out of bed, but it does still hurt, remembering him does still come in waves, and while I don't want him or that life back, I do still miss it sometimes.  I still miss his company and I can't convince my sub conscience to stop dreaming about those days or dreaming alternate realities of us still together now :( no thanks.

      However, I am a much more confident woman as a result, and I've "found myself" in a lot of ways over the last 5 months.  While I do kind of crave human interaction and being in a relationship, I know being alone is the right thing for me right now and the best thing is that my identity is not tied to anyone else, and I think that's a great thing for me and for future relationships, I know it will be healthier.
As Oscar Wilde said "I think it's very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person." I couldn't agree more.

     Anyhoo, I think I'm gonna have to carve an extra 12 hours out of my week to get everything done and done well this semester, and I fear those hours may have to be taken from my sleep so I'll wrap this up and get back to it.

 Peace!

-Hannah
 
    P.S. I've been really enjoying "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers, and there are so many nuggets of wisdom I could post here, however, I don't have my copy handy at the moment-so you should check it out here!
     
 

anniversary.

       Welp, it's December 19th, this is significant because today would've been my 2 year anniversary with XH. it's kind of surreal to think of what my life would be like right now if we were still together.
  
       Tonight I'm not going to dwell on anything sad, or compare my life now to what I had/what I thought my future would be. I could, and I've done so throughout the day and while those thoughts have their place, I'm choosing to celebrate today. I am celebrating how far I've come, how much darkness is now behind me, and how absolutely nothing that I've conquered thus far has been in my own strength. 

         I was talking to my mom last night about "how I'm doing"...I've been asked that so many times in the last 4 months and I can honestly say right now, that I really am okay. I'm kind of just done being angry, hurt, sad, broken, bitter, crushed, betrayed...all the awful things I've felt during this crazy time. Boy, have I felt them, and I'm glad I let myself feel it instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was fine when it wasn't...and now I refuse to be defined by this divorce and all the things encompassed in it that are out of my control.  I've learned a ton about myself and decided that I quite like myself :) which sounds incredibly vain...let me explain.

       I've always been one to put myself down, to tell myself I'm not good enough, to need validation. With Seth I found so much of my identity and purpose in being his wife and supporting him, and while that isn't necessarily a bad thing and I still think marriage is amazing and two are better than one and it's something we've been made for, the farther outside of that marriage bubble I get, the more I realize how much I put myself on the back burner, and made Seth the center of my life, it was all about him and supporting his dreams. 

          No more. I have my own life, my own goals for my education and my career, my own thoughts and opinions. I am here in Lawrence because I want to be, not just because I married someone at KU.

         I finished this semester with all A's. I have a solid GPA and I'm no longer insecure about going to a community college while living among all these KU students. I very well could go to KU and do great and it would be more convenient in some ways, but it's so freakin' expensive it's not worth the money to me for this part of my education. Plus Johnson County is a really good school! XH made me feel like my education wasn't as important as his and my school wasn't as good, which then made me feel stupid in comparison. I don't feel that way any more. I know I'll have no problem transferring to Washburn U. I no longer feel like a fish out of water in this town, and I'm making my own memories here.

        So, I've accepted my reality and am choosing every day to make the most of it. I'm going to look at some of the positives:
1. XH and I don't have any children in the middle of all of this.
2. When all the paperwork is done he will be out of the picture and it will all finally be over.
3. I'm only 21! I still have so much LIFE ahead of me!  
4. I AM capable, independent, responsible, and intelligent, I don't NEED him or anyone else to take care of me.
5. And the absolute BEST thing on this little list and in my life is that I am grounded in Christ, I have such hope in Him no matter what this crazy little life throws my way, throughout every storm, He's my anchor, my rock, a very present help in time of need, my refuge, my comfort, my ever faithful father.

        That is why, tonight I got another tattoo!!!
To symbolize that hope.  You can probably tell from the title of this blog and the verse at the top of the page that is my anthem, that the anchor symbolizes a lot for me and I think getting it today was very fitting.

 :D I love it. I have peace and I'm praising Him for His goodness and grace. I'm so undeserving of His love and I'm so grateful for the freedom and hope I have in Him! Nothing compares to the gravity of His grace.

         I want to say an enormous thank you to each and every one of you reading this, who've prayed for me, encouraged me, listened to me ramble about how much it hurt and shared in my frustration and confusion along the way to help me get through it and move forward.

       This song has been the cry of my heart lately, I hadn't heard it in years and the other day it just popped in my head. (I kinda like this version too) Praise Him with me! He is so worthy! 

In Him, 
Hannah

gearing Up (it's december?!)

       Today, I want to share a little look into my last week or so (disclaimer: it was not so nice, but it's gotten better!) and a bit of what's to come.

      I've not been feeling well at all.  Since I got back from my trip home for Thanksgiving, I've had a nasty cold and have spent most of my time at home in the evenings and over the weekend knocked out in a nyquil induced coma. Super lame timing, because I've got classes to keep up with leading up to finals and I missed a couple of quizzes :(

       I'm a good student, normally the type that over studies for everything, and doesn't skip class unless absolutely necessary. Even though at this point in the semester it didn't hurt my overall grades, I was pretty disappointed with myself for slacking.

          Thankfully, I'm starting to feel a lot better and have really jumped back in with both feet this week! I'm also the kind of student who always makes connections with my teachers, which has proved to be SO helpful! I've got notes for everything I missed and have very graciously been allowed to make up my missed assignments with no penalty, which I totally don't deserve, and I couldn't be more thankful!

        During my bout of sickness I fell into a nasty little habit of feeling sorry for myself. While my body needed the rest and hours of lying in bed in the dark, my heart really did not.  Depression and sickness do not mix, it was super hard to get up in the morning and when I got home from work, I was literally ready to crawl back into bed.  I know that's awful and I felt like I was living under a dark cloud.

         I also found that it's incredibly easy to be angry right now because; two weeks from now is what would have been our 2 year anniversary, and further realization of what I don't have anymore-i.e. a husband who takes care of me when I'm sick(this was made abundantly clear to me when I had food poisoning a couple of weeks ago and missed work).

          As I've mentioned before, I'm really not a homebody, and can only take so much of this invalid business, even when I feel awful.  So, I've kicked my butt into gear and have been making myself do yoga and pilates at home even though I haven't felt like it, listening to music that's uplifting/instrumental instead of most of the songs I've posted on here that cause me to dwell that much more on XH, the divorce, etc.  Exercise, prayer/scripture, my playful little kitten and lots of vitamin c have all helped to lift my spirits and I'm doing much better now :)

       I'm happy to report that I'm no longer the newest member of the Lawrence team at Meritrust. Today, I started helping with the training of two new hires! 
On one hand, I can't believe I'm allowed to teach anyone how to do anything when I've only been there 6 months. But on the other, I do know quite a lot for the short amount of time I've been there and I'm kind of like "Finally! I have some validation that I'm a useful, valued member of this team!".  Things are gearing up for the big relocation of the downtown branch, Ashley is going to have her baby any day now, and everyone is buzzing around working on processing all the holiday "skip a payment" applications. I'm acting as the sort of 'on call' person, hopping to both branches as needed. I like it, it breaks up the monotony that a "nine to five" type job can sometimes be.

           All in all, I'm doing well. I'm excited to get this semester behind me and I'll welcome each change and new development that comes my way.

^"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end,

they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness."

Lamentations 3:22-23

-Hannah

P.S. I'm feeling pretty empowered because when my shower head broke the other day I got a new one and installed it all by myself with my new tools :D

tunes.

             Hello again. Two days in a row on here seems like a lot. Truth is, I journal quite a bit, I just prefer writing on paper.  However, I type all day at my new job and I'm starting to convert to the keyboard because it's faster.

                 I listen to a lot of music. I have about an hour total in the car each day just going to and from work so that is ample time to jam(or listen to an audio book, which right now by the way is Anna Karenina) plus I usually keep listening to whatever I had on in the car when I get home in the evenings.

              Continuing what I did in my first post, I'm going to share some song lyrics that have really hit home with me lately.  I think Taylor Swift might have known about my divorce before I did, because the timing of her latest album could not have been more fitting.


 "A Little Bit Stronger" -Sara Evans

"Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, 

I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm tryin' to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, and then I changed it.
I'm gettin' a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

(It's ridiculous how true to my life this is.  There is SO much music that reminds me of Seth.) 

I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.

I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a month's gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby."

"The Garden" by Mirah 

"You don't want me anymore, how can it be?

look what you've done to me."

"Titanium" -David Guetta

"Shoot me down, but I won't fall, I am titanium. 

Cut me down, but it's you who'll have further to fall.

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose.

fire away, fire away."

 "Pressing On" -Relient K

Pressing on pressing on, 
all my distress is going going gone.

 There's only one thing left do, 
drop all I have and go with you.

To go back to where I was would just be wrong, 

I'm pressing on.

"I Almost Do" -Taylor Swift

"I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
and I bet sometimes you wonder about me

I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you.
and I hope you know that every time I don't, I almost do.

It's probably better off this way

And I confess, babe

In my dreams you're touching my face

and asking me if I wanna try again with you

                           and I almost do."
 

 "Red" -Taylor Swift

"Ended so suddenly.
Loving him is like trying to change your mind 

once you're already flying through the free fall
Like the colors in autumn,  
so bright just before they lose it all
Losing him is blue like I'd never known,
Missing him is dark grey all alone.
Forgetting him is like trying to 
know somebody you never met
But loving him was red

Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you.
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the 
words to your old favorite song.
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer.
Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong.

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes,
tell myself it's time now, gotta let go.
But moving on from him is impossible
when I still see it all in my head,
burning red."

"All Too Well" -Taylor Swift 

"Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze
we're singing in the car getting lost upstate.
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place
and I can picture it after all these days.

I know it's long gone
and that magic's not here no more
and I might be okay
but I'm not fine at all

'Cause there we are again on 
that little town street
You almost ran the red 'cause 
you were looking over me
wind in my hair, I was there, 
I remember it all too well.
You tell me about your past, 
thinking your future was me

And I know it's long gone
And there's nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to

There we are again, in the middle of the night  

dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, 
I remember it all too well

Maybe we got lost in translation, 
maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 
'til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there, 
I remember it all too well

You call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all all all too well

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again, 
but I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights 
when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things 
 and I walk home alone

'Cause there we are again, 
when I loved you so
Back before you lost the 
one real thing you've ever known
It was rare, I was there, 
I remember it all too well

Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well."

And now for an oldie.  This song used to come on the radio station my family listened to as far back as I can remember.  Now it's on my iPod :)

"Beauty for Ashes" -Crystal Lewis

"He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When sorrow seems to surround you
When suffering hangs heavy on your head
Know that tomorrow brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said

When what you've done 
keeps you from moving on
When fear wants to make
 itself at home in your heart
Know that forgiveness brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said

I once was lost but God has found me
Though I was bound I've been set free
I've been made righteous in His sight
A display of His splendor all can see

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear 

Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair"

I'll leave it on this note tonight:

^"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." -2 Corinthians 12:9

 **BONUS! a picture of my aforementioned kitten and christmas tree :)